I haven’t been on here in awhile, I guess you could say I lost interest, found interest in something else, lost time to do this, etc. Well since my last post, I have had a lot of time, good and bad days. I would consider today a bad one. The accumulation of things has built today. I also forgot my anti-depressant yesterday, so it is kind of kicking me in the ass.
Every time I have a problem my mother tells me to take a pill. No mom! Stop! I am not like you!! I hate when she tells me that, because it just makes me see why she does it. It makes it obvious that she assumes I am like her.
Missing Hilary today. Hell, I miss Hilary every day. It’s hard to know that life is so unfair to take someone that is the least deserving of dying. Under the assumption that dying is a bad thing. So many people in this world needs Hilary. I included. I am just so sad at the hope the world lacks with the fact that she is no longer a light in the darkness in this life.
I should be happy, I start a new job today. I am excited, I am glad I am moving forward. But my heavy heart is keeping me from being excited for the new comings.
I am nerves because I hope I can get off next weekend to go to camp. It is something I need to heal and move on. Camp is where I met Hilary and is where I can be to mourn her with people who had lost her also.
I feel like I am screwing up everything, my friendships, my little’s relationship, my term on Panhellenic. Everything of the sort. I just always hit this place where everything I do feels like a mistake and a long lasting one. This is the time where I feel like “why would I want to stay here to continue screwing things up” and now that is where the fact that Hilary, who made so many things so much better had to go, and I who can’t do anything, has to stay here. Life is so unfair. Life is so hard. I just don’t understand. Why can’t Hilary just tell me. Why can’t I be more like her.
I am just so sad today. I hope there is a way to make it better. I hope I don’t feel like this tomorrow.
Please God, forgive me for questioning you, just give me a reason to stay. Be sure to guide me, and give me the happiness of being alive, and living with you. Tell Hilary and Rob that they are missed. Hold my hand Lord, for I feel so alone.