So what I thought was going to be my best friend for life, stop talking to me a couple months ago. I have come to terms with the fact that we weren’t going to last forever. But what haunts me is why. Why did he just drop me? I know he knew he was doing it. because the last thing he said to me was for me to remember that I changed his life. But why did he choose me to drop and keep the friends he used to complain about. He posts about them all the time. And because it haunts me I dream about it. And wake up with the worst feeling. I still care, he still means the world to me. But I don’t mean that much to him. I wonder if he will wish me happy birthday. And I wonder if I will wish him the same the next day.
Well I had a lovely visit (THIS IS COMPLETE SARCASM) to the psyche ward… Not really, it was probably one of the scariest things I have ever experienced, but it had it’s perks. I was asked to be a patient’s girlfriend, I met several nurses, doctors, and a therapist who brightened my day. And it made me realize how freaking amazingly lucky I am to be where I am and what I am doing. Another plus is they fixed my anxiety and I am feeling much better, because I am not worrying about who. what, when, why all the time. Thank the Lord. Now I can finish this semester strong, work this summer, and move on with my life. A down side, I sure do miss my family, and they really do make my day better. So glad I have the priviledge to talk to them whenever I want again. Life is so good, with Him.
*WARNING: THIS RANT IS FUELED MOSTLY BY THE FIRST DAY OF MENSTRUAL CYCLE*
Regardless, these are the feelings I have. I just can’t handle disappointment anymore. So T better make it clear or leave me alone. I am just assuming you aren’t feeling the way I am so just leave me alone! Please. It would save you the trouble and me the pain. Also, I am up to my ears in things that I need to do. But dear goodness I am ready to give up. I have to take into account that though I feel this way, it feels like a big deal because my hormones are freaking out. Nonetheless, I still feel like locking myself in my room and crying. What can I say, I always disappoint.
My birthday is in 26 days.
Where has the time gone!?
I really screwed myself over with taking a little. I ain’t got no monies for anything and I still have to make her a collage. I’m the worst big EVER.
On another note, I just feel horrible about my parents.
I tried to plan a time to hang out with this guy this weekend (even though it’s initiation weekend and I will have no time) Well he shot me down. Not sure if it is because he doesn’t want to hang out of because he is super duper busy. Will post the convo after this one. Just kind of feeling numb today, which is better than feel sad in my opinion.
No one knows how I really feel. And that is because I don’t think anyone will understand.
I took an adderal (spell check) for the first time yesterday, and it’s amazing what that can make disappear. I had a great day after taking one. And I want more. But I know that is exactly what my parents do. Take meds to feel less stress, to feel more happy. I never thought that pills could mask such a happy lifestyle so well. Now I understand them. But now I have a choice of whether I become like them, or I fight the urge. But I am afraid I am not strong enough. They weren’t, so how can I? I wish they were.
Trying to keep my head, my path straight and my spirits high. Thank you God for all that you do, all that you gave, and for keeping me in your hands. I love you, praise you, and worship you at your feet. Continue to keep me in the light. Because as you know I am afraid of the dark.