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The day is mine so I will make it what I wish! I am lucky with what I have. Lol I feel bipolar sometimes but I am glad I have a family that loves me and does what they can. I am glad I read my past posts and remember what I have gone through and how tough I really am on the other side. Thank you God for answering my prayers so quickly!

It’s been awhile

I haven’t been on here in awhile, I guess you could say I lost interest, found interest in something else, lost time to do this, etc. Well since my last post, I have had a lot of time, good and bad days. I would consider today a bad one. The accumulation of things has built today. I also forgot my anti-depressant yesterday, so it is kind of kicking me in the ass. 

 Every time I have a problem my mother tells me to take a pill. No mom! Stop! I am not like you!! I hate when she tells me that, because it just makes me see why she does it. It makes it obvious that she assumes I am like her. 

 Missing Hilary today. Hell, I miss Hilary every day. It’s hard to know that life is so unfair to take someone that is the least deserving of dying. Under the assumption that dying is a bad thing. So many people in this world needs Hilary. I included. I am just so sad at the hope the world lacks with the fact that she is no longer a light in the darkness in this life. 

 I should be happy, I start a new job today. I am excited, I am glad I am moving forward. But my heavy heart is keeping me from being excited for the new comings.

 I am nerves because I hope I can get off next weekend to go to camp. It is something I need to heal and move on. Camp is where I met Hilary and is where I can be to mourn her with people who had lost her also.

 I feel like I am screwing up everything, my friendships, my little’s relationship, my term on Panhellenic. Everything of the sort. I just always hit this place where everything I do feels like a mistake and a long lasting one. This is the time where I feel like “why would I want to stay here to continue screwing things up” and now that is where the fact that Hilary, who made so many things so much better had to go, and I who can’t do anything, has to stay here. Life is so unfair. Life is so hard. I just don’t understand. Why can’t Hilary just tell me. Why can’t I be more like her. 

I am just so sad today. I hope there is a way to make it better. I hope I don’t feel like this tomorrow. 

Please God, forgive me for questioning you, just give me a reason to stay. Be sure to guide me, and give me the happiness of being alive, and living with you. Tell Hilary and Rob that they are missed. Hold my hand Lord, for I feel so alone. 

So what I thought was going to be my best friend for life, stop talking to me a couple months ago. I have come to terms with the fact that we weren’t going to last forever. But what haunts me is why. Why did he just drop me? I know he knew he was doing it. because the last thing he said to me was for me to remember that I changed his life. But why did he choose me to drop and keep the friends he used to complain about. He posts about them all the time. And because it haunts me I dream  about it. And wake up with the worst feeling. I still care, he still means the world to me. But I don’t mean that much to him. I wonder if he will wish me happy birthday. And I wonder if I will wish him the same the next day. 

A lot to catch up

Well I had a lovely visit (THIS IS COMPLETE SARCASM) to the psyche ward… Not really, it was probably one of the scariest things I have ever experienced, but it had it’s perks. I was asked to be a patient’s girlfriend, I met several nurses, doctors, and a therapist who brightened my day. And it made me realize how freaking amazingly lucky I am to be where I am and what I am doing. Another plus is they fixed my anxiety and I am feeling much better, because I am not worrying about who. what, when, why all the time. Thank the Lord. Now I can finish this semester strong, work this summer, and move on with my life. A down side, I sure do miss my family, and they really do make my day better. So glad I have the priviledge to talk to them whenever I want again. Life is so good, with Him.

*WARNING: THIS RANT IS FUELED MOSTLY BY THE FIRST DAY OF MENSTRUAL CYCLE*

Regardless, these are the feelings I have. I just can’t handle disappointment anymore. So T better make it clear or leave me alone. I am just assuming you aren’t feeling the way I am so just leave me alone! Please. It would save you the trouble and me the pain. Also, I am up to my ears in things that I need to do. But dear goodness I am ready to give up. I have to take into account that though I feel this way, it feels like a big deal because my hormones are freaking out. Nonetheless, I still feel like locking myself in my room and crying. What can I say, I always disappoint.  

I really screwed myself over with taking a little. I ain’t got no monies for anything and I still have to make her a collage. I’m the worst big EVER.

On another note, I just feel horrible about my parents.

I tried to plan a time to hang out with this guy this weekend (even though it’s initiation weekend and I will have no time) Well he shot me down. Not sure if it is because he doesn’t want to hang out of because he is super duper busy. Will post the convo after this one. Just kind of feeling numb today, which is better than feel sad in my opinion.

anxiety life

I took an adderal (spell check) for the first time yesterday, and it’s amazing what that can make disappear. I had a great day after taking one. And I want more. But I know that is exactly what my parents do. Take meds to feel less stress, to feel more happy. I never thought that pills could mask such a happy lifestyle so well. Now I understand them. But now I have a choice of whether I become like them, or I fight the urge. But I am afraid I am not strong enough. They weren’t, so how can I? I wish they were.

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